Twilight, the horror, the horror!

I am mildly hung over this morning, and there is only one person to blame. No, not myself, Stephenie Meyer. Yes, her. Right now I’d like to hunt Meyer down and slap her six ways from Sunday with a copy of Dracula, even Keanu Reeves playing John Harker didn’t have such a terrible effect on me. And I still remember him saying,  ‘I know where the Bastard sleeps’

I know I can seem I’m a little intolerant on this blog, but honestly, apart from charlatans I’m pretty much a live and let live person.  I like ginger and kickboxing and rum and  not being subjected to films like Twilight.

Have you seen it? No? Of course you haven’t.

Allow me.

Skinny dull mouthbreather  who licks her lips/chews her lips, and presses right hand to right temple to emote, arrives at Twin Peak Town to stay with her police chief father while her mother tours the country with a husband who is not a police chief.

The mouthbreather is promptly given a truck to drive and remembers she used to be friends with some red indians who are also werewolves in their spare time.

She attends school and becomes BFF with some Dorks.

While sitting with Dorks, a group of other dorks arrive in, a family, fostered it seems by a local doctor. They are clearly different from everyone because they walk in slow motion. There are 4 of them, 2 girls, one beef head, one startled faun and hello what’s this? Bringing up the rear another, number 5, moving, even, slower. I’m going to call him caterpillar eyebrows. CE for short.

CE and Mouthbreather must share desk in the biology class. CE is holding his nose because the mouthbreather is a skank and never showers or something. Instead of telling her to shut her fucking mouth and take a god damned shower, CE recoils from the stench-hound and flees the room. Quite right.

The mouthbreather is miffed and challenges him about it a few days later. He tells her something, she concurs with something. They go to the school car park.

And then in a ridiculous plotless witless stuntless moment of cabbage, a guy driving the A-Team van loses control and veers right at the Mouthbreather.

‘Oh please please let her die.’ I said, drinking some of my wine.

But no, Caterpillar Eyebrows, jumps twenty feet across across the car park, grabs her and stops the van with one hand. The Mouthbreather’s mouth gets a little bit more open and everyone crowds around the new skank who is not dead. CE  goes away.

The mouthbreather is taken to the hospital ( why?), where a member of the Council of Elron treats her for not a single scratch. This turns out to be CE’s fazer, I mean father. I knew he was one of them ( slow walkers) because of the creepy contacts he was wearing and he too had a touch of the startled faun about him.

The mouthbreather is released from hospital. Some other utterly inane shit happens- I know it already seems so long and actually nothing has happened. I”m losing the will to go on myself.

Anyhoodle, despite the stench, the  Mouthbreather gets surrounded by bad men who threaten her with baseball caps. Caterpillar Eyebrows arrives in this scene in a car, driving James Bond Style. He growls at the men’s baseball caps and lowers his eyebrows most scarily. The men flee. ( why?) Mouthbreather is rescued a second time by CE! So overcome with passion is she that she touches his finger and gasps. ‘Ack! Prrtt ttheepppt!’ She says. He’s cold to touch.

She goes to a ye olde shoppe to buy a book on ‘cold people’  * weeps softly* Looks through book while chewing her lower lip, finds something on ‘cold people’, then she TURNS TO THE BIG COMPUTER BESIDE HER….and googles exactly what she read in the book- which she paid money for.

* continues to weep*

We then learn that the MouthBreather is the only person in the whole world that has never heard of a vampire up to this point. Or something. But it doesn’t matter because…

“About 3 things, I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I was not sure how dominant that part may be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

‘Gothy! How much longer does this go on for?’

‘This isn’t even half way yet. Isn’t Edward dreamy?’

I resist the urge to strangle her and go for more wine.

Anyway, the mouthbreather, in a fit of lip licking, makes CE tell her he’s a vampire, only he makes her say it, while he leaps around the trees like a demented howler monkey on crack. Don’t do it Caterpillar, crack is wack, ask Whitney. We learn he sparkles in sunlight. This upsets me terribly,  I wanted him to explode in sunlight. Gothy sighs in an alarming way.

The mouthbreather tells Caterpillar Eyebrows that he is beautiful. ‘Ack!’ She says, chewing her lower lips. ‘Ack ack!’

CE tell the mouthbreather that yes, he is a vampire, all his family are- quelle shock- but that they are vegetarians.

* cries loudly this time*

Anyway, he brings her to meet his family who are making her Italian food. They then wait for a thunder-storm so that they can all go play baseball. Somewhere between the third base and my last nerve, a trio of meat-eating vamps arrives, no doubt attracted by the stench of the mouthbreather and despite there being a whole slew of much tastier mortals around Twin Peak Valley, the blond-evil- Vamp decides he want to spread pate de Mouthbreather on his toast.

Cue the entire vampire family flee, taking the Mouthbreather with them.

Then somehow Blond Vamp gets hold of the Mouthbreather’s ma, gets the Mouthbreather to ditch the vegetarians to meet him,  Caterpillar Eyebrow follows, there is a rather dull vamp fight, the mouthbreather goes,

‘Ack, trittthppt, thrurrppt.’

And there you have it. Twilight, the movie. There are others like it. This one is mine. If I could have used it to blow the top of my head off last night I would have.

The only way this could have been any better was if Mariah Carey was playing the Mouthbreather role and Van Morrison was CE.

That would have been hilarious.  I hate everyone today. Yes, everyone.